It’s been a while since my last blog post … 6 months to be exact this very week. I needed to step back for a bit … step back from the constant heaviness and sadness I was continuously feeling, step back from the constant thoughts of everything surrounding our journey and loss. I needed to remember how to breathe, focus as best I could on the blessings in each day and just be … be where I needed to be, whether falling apart or actually finding myself having a good day, without focusing so much on it all.
In these past few months, we’ve survived the difficulties of the holidays as we remembered so freshly our last days with our son. We somehow survived the anniversary of his passing on January 2nd. We were surprised to learn news of expecting our third child. We’ve realized more than ever how much we needed a new, fresh space and blank canvas for our family going forward. We’ve continued to balance the deep grief of missing our son, Drew, with the joy of getting to know and love our sweet girl Hadley. It’s continued to be a day to day whirlwind of emotions as we learn to live this life without him. Each day is different depending on circumstances and there still are, and probably always will be, different triggers that tug on our hearts with the pain of his loss. Most days, our grief is silent. We go about our usual routine, trying our best to be strong and move on with life and trying to slip back into a normal way of living, all the while, being hit by certain comments, memories or situations that take us back to when we had him in our arms. We’re not the type to sit and cry with most about it or really comment much about how we’re feeling at all. It’s become this soft, silent, internal battle that we face as we live each day.
Tomorrow is moving day and our fresh start begins. After many months of praying and searching, we found our blank canvas and beautiful new home. We will forever cherish our time and memories on Covey Chase drive, and as much as we love our home and the many special moments experienced here, we know that so very many of those moments are and always will be sacred to Drew, our time with him and all of his things that have been as he left them. It’s not always been comfortable having friends or loved ones here in ‘his’ space (especially those with children) and have felt so strongly that his room would only ever be his room… not a guest room, not an office, not a nursery for a different child … always his. I’d rather pack our entire home than ever change his room to be anything different.
The packing. Thankfully, I’ve had the blessing of time to do it incrementally instead of making drastic changes all at once. We’ve depersonalized in stages and have slowly been packing since the closing of our new home at the end of May. I saved his room for last … avoiding the inevitable of permanently packing away his things, fully realizing we will likely never unpack the majority of them again. How do you decide what to do with all of his sweet things when so much of everything brings back so many precious memories of life with him… the life we cherished and would give anything to still be living? How do you decide what to keep, give away or donate when all you wish is that you didn’t have to even think about any of this at all? All you want is him … to be alive, to be a big brother and to see how his personality would be unfolding at almost 4 years old.
We will have a guest room honoring him, designed and decorated just as I would’ve imagined his big boy room to be with hopes of it providing the same joy, warmth and love that his precious personality portrayed. Everything that makes us feel close to him will be there with us, maybe not hanging in his closet or folded in his drawers as we wished they would be, but kept in a place close by so that we don’t feel worlds apart. His sisters will know every bit of their big brother and even though we’ll be in a new space, his spirit will be ever present no matter where we are.
Hadley is now 15 months old and every bit as precious as her pictures show. She has a spunk that I envy, a personality as big as the world and a demeanor that so closely resembles her big brother’s … just as happy, sweet, loving and playful as can be. She continues to fill our hearts with more joy than she will ever truly understand.
So many have asked how we feel about the fact that we were having another little girl (I’m guessing instead of having a boy). Given the surprise of our pregnancy, Wes and I truly had zero concerns or expectations of what we were having. We first needed to get through the toughness of the holidays and the anniversary of his passing before we could really wrap our minds around having another child. After that, our focus and thoughts surrounding our next little one were solely directed to their health, not their sex. In walking our journey and having a perspective that is forever changed, that is truly all that even matters to us. We feel blessed and excited about another little girl and we pray daily for her health and safe arrival.
We have 7 weeks until her arrival, or at least we hope. It will be nice to get into our new home, get settled to some degree and have a little time to breathe before we experience another big change. We continue to be amazed by the understanding support around us, those who continue to love us well and have since the beginning of our journey and those who have met our family since Drew’s passing and have accepted our story with open, loving and comforting arms.